Lost

I am sinning by not trying hard enough. Hence im being punished.

Time Changes Everything

Its so hard for you to let go of friends. One of my closest friends is leaving town tonight in pursuit of higher studies. We all knew from months before that she was leaving. But when the time drew near, it felt as if I was caught off guard. Everything seemed to be closing in too fast and suffocating me.

All the good times we had, all the little fun schemes we made, all the coffees, all the long and often over analytical conversations.. they all seem like a big mistake now. Because these little things eventually make you so dependent on your close friends, that parting is the most painful thing. If I could, I would much rather live like a hermit!

I'm gonna miss you like hell, Ms.Dramaqueen!

Jhumritalaiya jayega??!!

The most painful part about living in any Indian city and not having a car/bike is haggling with the autorickshaw walas. I was once watching a Travel and Living show called Travellers and they were doing a piece on kerala. They said that to drive in kerala u need the following:
good horn
good brakes
good luck

I think the above mentioned applies more to Bangalore than any other place I have ever been to. Parking, driving through cramped roads and fuel prices add to stress of owning a vehicle of your own. So you decide to throw out the car dreams and stick to auto- zindabad!

But nothing comes easy.These auto driving monsters have rules about everything.

They will not go close distances (less than 2 kms) even if it means they travel the same stretch empty. If you are desperate, you have to bribe them; sometimes 3 times the original amount.

If you ever have the mosfortune of taking a rick from an autorickshaw stand, you are doomed. They have all got their meters rigged, which means that you are easily about to pay atleast 20 bucks over the actual fare. Its always a better to flag a passing auto on the road. Again, thats just a safer bet.. nothing more.

I have observed that autos taken from areas such as Jayanagar, JPnagar, Bannerghatta, Banashankari etc cost more for a particular distance. For the same distance, autos from MG, Indiranagar, Richmond, Residency, Cox town etc cost less. Bottomline, auto walas from jayanagar and around areas are, mostly, all crooks.

Another observation I have made is that Muslim auto drivers are generally honest and have their meters working picture perfect. In an emergency, if you ever have to take a rick post 10 pm, you are most likely to be safest with them.

What else?! Oh! You are in luck, monetarily at least, if you select an auto with a digital meter. And if you do have the misfortune to get stuck with an old analog meter thats seems to go "clink" a lot faster than you fancy.. say your prayers.. u might as well have been looted by pirates.. it feels just as lousy!

One advice.. Dont feel shy to yell at them if you feel cheated beyond hope! If needed.. threaten to take them to the police.. better yet.. take them to the nearest traffic cop.

The good news is that.. well .. there is no good news when it comes to autos :D
So chin up and dont crib!

Unpretty

Some of the most beautiful people are capable of doing things so unpretty; that they amaze you (in a not nice way). I know what you are thinking. What does beauty have to do with humanity? You're right. It has nothing to do with it.But you have to admit that 7 out of 10 times, we like people because of the way they look..in the beginning at least. And the rest of the time, we hope that they dont let down the first impression we had about them. Most of them do.

This entry is not about first impressions. Its not about beauty. Its not about humanity.This entry is about all three in combination.

Living in bangalore, I have met my fair share of all kinds of people. Over time, I realised one thing - Do not be surprised of what people are capable of doing!

Some people you thought as decent, despite your differences, prove themselves not worth the tag "decent". A simple small affair such as refusing your roommate to throw a birthday party in combination with someone you have differences with; thereby ruining somebody's birthday.. wait a sec.. thats a huge affair. Because its not about the party or the people. Its about the day. A day that already deppresses you because it symbolizes the growing distance between you and all thats free spirited, childish and happy.

Doing anything to ruin somebody's birthday.. even if the person is someone you hate.. now thats just plain unpretty!

This entry is about the final impression. This entry is about being decent!

Hell hath no mercy! .. atleast on me

Things that i cannot do:

1. cant say NO to people
2. cant get myself to be proactive about things in my life
3. cant wake up early in the mornings
4. cant stop myself from being stupid in many situations
5. cant exercise
6. cant take a bus
7. cant become friendly easily
8. cant learn new languages fast
9. cant calculate numbers fast
10. cant say anything intelligent when someone cries
11. cant confront people in difficult situationscant be dainty, oversweet or overtly girlish
12. cant tolerate people who are like the previous point
13. cant get angry easily
14. cant stop myself from blowing my top and the head of the person at the receiving end, when i do get angry

Things are not looking very good. But out of all the things that i cant do, my temper is the one thing thats really scaring me.

Here is my weekend( and week beginning) temper log:

Friday:
Almost yelled at a very good friend of mine. Thank God.. i didnt

Saturday:
Wanted to break a random guy's camera coz i thought he was taking pictures of us.
Yelled at another guy and would have slapped him if i wasnt locked in the back seat of the Qualis

Monday:
Threw a "rather controlled" tantrum when i reached office and realised that all the team members had been allocated new seats and the seat that was assigned to me was occupied by someone else who had been sitting there for the last 3 months. I pretty much managed to scare the crap out of that guy and the rest of my team members.

Like i said.. things are looking pretty bad.

Google

As amazing as it is.. one of the most powerful search engines. Amongst most industries, i think the software industry would be hit most seriously if Google didnt exist.

But even Google has its share of odd bugs. The one bug that recently came to my notice was this:

If you type "she invented" and hit search, Google gets back to you saying "Did you mean: he invented ".

Now why on earth would google think that i meant "he invented"??? I know what i typed!!! just gimme search results for what i asked for.

But nooooooo.. even a a damn search engine has to be a chauvinist.

P.S: Work load is less :D Therefore, the research on Google.

Other side of the world

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

And the fire fades away
Most of everyday Is full of tired excuses
But it's too hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're on the other side of the world to me

KT Tunstall..pure brilliance!

Flipside

When something gets screwed up.. its not just 1 thing that goes wrong.. but a a minimum of 3 go wrong in succession.

Albeit, there is a sunny side to everything... even things that go wrong..

Borderline

A Dream:

I am sitting in a garden overlooking the valley. I have been warned not to go to the garden for it is dangerous. It reminds me of my house in Aizwal when i was in kindegarden. A woman is taking pictures of me. Im sitting next to a bed of pansies. I am happy. I cannot ask for a anything more. The sky looks beautiful. The clouds look like they are touching the roof tops of the houses in the valley. There are large eagles flying high in the sky. A large eagle is flying very close to us. On second look, it looks larger then i imagined it to be. I look behind to look at the clouds and the valley. I turn around and the woman is gone. I look up in the sky and the eagle is clutching her and flying away. I scream. I realize that i am not in the garden anymore. I am standing in desert now. i am thinking- what have i got myself into?

A memory:

June 2005,Bangalore
Its a mildly cold morning. My mom is packing her bags to go back home. I am gripped in fear and anxiousness and excitement all at the same time. This is the first time i will be living on my own. My mom is giving me her regular set of instructions. I walk her out to the main road. We find a rick together. I help her with her luggage. She hugs me and gets inside. I am standing on the road watching the rick pull away. I am trying to be brave and feeling a huge lump form in my throat, thinking- what have i got myself into?

Collide!

Hitch Twitch

Today,I played love-doctor to a couple of friends of mine (i know wat ur thinking.. couple of them wanted to talk to u on the same day?? .. wat can i say.. must have been one of those all-planets-aligned day ).

One of them actually said and I Quote:

him: resh resh.. you can wear a saffron sari carry some ash.. and start giving blessings with some advice

him: people will worship you
you can earn a lot

me: shut up..
dont make fun of me
im serious..

him: everytime i turn to you for advice..not joking..everytime i turn to you for advice, you say something really nice that makes me think

Unquote

Lol.. Picturing myself like that makes me feel like a fraud.
Me.. giving advice..on relationships...Im a walking talking Hiroshima in that department. :P

Ironically, My Today's fortune: Time is the wisest counselor

Wonder why im still so confused!! Floof :D

Chisel

My lifestyle and working conditions have resulted in catastrophic reactions on my body.. namely..

1. my jeans fit me a little too snug for comfort..
   


2. i pant like a bloody dog if i run so much as 10 feet..
   


3. i have become lazy beyond hope..
   


4. and all i ever eat now a days is absolutely unhealthy food.

I have recently realised that all the excess baggage accumulating on my body is not going to magically disappear by folding my hands and blinking once.So i looked at myself long and hard one day and decided that the ways of the glotton and sloth have to change. And I dont have the will power to do it on my own.

Personally, I hate exercise. I hate entering a gym even more. The treadmill is the absolute worst.. i mean .. come on!! ur running and running and not reaching anywhere!! Its the most frustrating way to lose weight and get healthy. I would much rather run on the street if it weren't for all those goddamn dogs on the roads all over town.. and all the recent news about the street dogs attacking people has done little to comfort my paranoia.

So i decided to enroll with Chisel for their Aerobics programme. I figured that would be more my speed as all i ever imagined people doing in aerobics is happily jumping up and down with high energy music in the background.. almost like dance. And dancing is something i enjoy a lot. So why not aerobics?

The first day i showed up with a friend for the session..full of enthusiasm.. all excited about the new 'good thing' i was going to start. The instructor asked me to start slow and take breaks whenever i felt like.. He kept stressing on "SLOW!!"

Within 15 minutes, i wanted to DROP DEAD!! In my head i was thinking " Why God?? Why me??" ..I was cursing the instructor.. myself.. the damn music.. everything.. im sure if the Pope had stood in front of me right then .. i would have cursed him as well..

The instructor saw my wretchedness and called out "Yo.. first day first show!! take it slow" and gave me a big smile that said "ur gonna kill yourself if u dont listen to me.. the Almighty!!" !! I wanted to right hook him then and there.. then jump on him like i would jump on a trampolien. All i did was smile back and showed him a thumbs up (Although I wanted to show him the middle finger!!)

Within 30 minutes.. I was panting.. dripping with sweat.. and stopping the routine every 5 minutes (Sometimes out of exhaustion.. but more often because i did not know what the hell the cues were )

By the time the workout was over .. I wanted to pass out right there on the fitness mat where i did my crunches. Oh dear Lord!! I felt like my whole life was flashing before my eyes and i would never see daylight again.. LOL.. this feeling lasted 10 minutes. Once i was outside breathing fresh air ( aka. exhaust from vehicles on richmond road during peak hour), i was glad i came out of that alive..

All of the above description may sound like gross exaggeration. But a workout like that is more tiring than 2 hours of fierce basketball(which is that max I can do!) and not as easy as it looks.

After a few more sessions, the extent of my agony has reduced . I still miss a lot of cues.. I still cant match the pace of the class and need to take quick breaks to catch my breath.. but all in all.. going good :)

Frog in the Throat

I am pretty sure almost everybody has been in this peculiar situation where you feel like the words that you want to say just get stuck in your throat .. to the point where you feel like you may just choke.

For the remaining who have never been in such a situation.. I have one question..
How the hell are you still alive after spending your whole life shooting your mouth off like that??!!

Its a pretty unnerving situation to be in.. especially when you come close to the point where you might pick up something and hurl it at the person involved ..or worse.. say wats on your mind!!

And then you daydream that you finally give diplomacy the boot.. and decide for once to stand up and speak .. come what may.. coz in your mind you have decided that the consequences, no matter how grave, are better than sitting around like a chicken. Then you hear the entire choir orchestra in your head.. and you are thinking.. I have finally been exalted.. I dont have to suffer the burden of my knowledge anymore.. salvation!!

And when the moment of truth arrives.. I hear myself saying..
"Hey.. Howz it goin?? " with a slight nonchalant tilt of my head as I engage in idle conversation and later walk away..
And yet again in my head.. I hear the looney tunes soundtrack as I drown back into the well where the frog lives..no redemption..no exaltation..no salvation..only chicken!!

Breaking In..

Theives break into houses through the front doors.. i have heard of that..
The owner breaks into the house through the back door.. i have never heard of that .. but i have dont that :P

Sunday night when i got back home after a long day spent out doing odd things, i realised that i could not let myself in..Its 11 pm in the damned night.. no electricity.. and im stuck outside my house.. alone.. with no way of getting in coz an additional latch had slipped accidentally and locked from inside and i didnt have the keys to that.

First thing that sets in is panic.. with a lot of pushing and shoving.. but no use whatsoever. I called my flatmate, only to find out that she is atleast 1 hour away from home and out of town..and thats being optimistic.

I went downstairs to call the watchman and see if he could help me out. He told me that nothing could be done till morning since there was no electricity and all he had was a rickety ladder. The image of me sleeping on the street flashes before my eyes and i started panicing even more.. So i dialed a few numbers and could not reach anyone..and all i could manage to say was F%&#!!!

I finally convinced the watchman to climb on my balcony, break the glass pane on the door, unlatch the door to my room from inside and open the front door after entering the house. I gratefully paid him some money for his efforts and sent him away..

Then i saw the sight that made me wanna pack my bags and go back home to mommy. My room was covered in glass pieces..from one end to the other.. the bed.. the carpet.. the desk.. the couch.. the shelves on the other end of the wall.. everything!!!!!!

I wanted to scream and break more glass.. and start cleaning and weep .. all at the same time..

I settled for howling like a freaking cry baby for the first 15 min standing at my door and taking in the sight.. then i started cleaning.. by the time i was done.. it was 1 am.. and i passed out wen i finally fell into bed..

I have been in a continuous bad mood ever since then.

But the face that made me really happy was the carpenter's who showed up last night to fix my door.. never have i been so happy to see anyone as i was when i saw that nice old man :D

Fortune Cookie

Good things are being said about you.... says my fortune for the day.

I dont care..
I'm just very very tired.
And sleep cant ease it.

Sainthood

Episode #1:

I was getting back home one night from work..When i got off in front of my house, a bunch of kids (not more than 8 years old) came running to me and said

"Bhookh lagi hai.. kuch de do"..

At first i thought that some person must be using the kids to make money by begging..But then the youngest kid pointed in the direction of the fruit shop opposite my house and said : "bhookh lagi hai.. khaana de do.. bread chahiye"

My heart broke looking at those kids wandering on the street asking strangers for food..I took them to the fruit shop and bought them bread and some fruits.. and walked back home wondering who takes care of them..

Episode #2:

I walk into the house, pick up the newspaper, walk out to the balcony to look at the children. Front page news:

Britney Spears shaves her head and gets new tattoos because her hair dresser refused to go along with her extreme makeover.

whats more real to you? the hungry children out on the street in real flesh and blood or a bald Britney Spears in tinsel town?

Yet.. she makes the headlines!!when the really inspiring stories are the lives of those children i was looking at on the street. The children unfortunately will remain unnoticed living their hard lives without complaining and without glory.

Ironic!

Its time to appreciate the efforts made by Mother Teresa and the others like her.She was named a Saint of the Catholic Church last night.

For many, she was a Saint the minute they met her.

A typical Bangalore Mail experience

I board the train at 11pm. The train is scheduled to depart at 11:15pm.

As soon as i stop in front of my seat.. i am struck with absolute confusion.. It looked like the cast of the Brady bunch had been let loose inside my compartment..

Mental State : Good GOD!!

I took 10 deep breaths, shoved my bag underneath the seat and went outside to chat a while longer with mom ( Meanwhile.. the driver is sitting on a bench looking completely exasperated and sleepy).

Finally, after 10 minutes of lecturing by my mom and looking at general junta.. the train shows signs of motion and i quickly duck into it ( after hugging mom and throwing a dozen air kisses at her :D)

When i come back.. Lo!! and Behold!! The question running thru my mind is
wat is this?? Noah's ark??

In a compartment that should not seat more than 6 people, i see 8 people seated ( N.B: not including me). After giving all the shameless men folk some nasty glares, i managed to get 3 of them move elsewhere.

The fun part is still starting..this huge family ( im guessing Gujju!!) has occupied the whole freaking bogie.. on top of that.. they plan to have a seista fit for royalty themselves at an unearthly 11:30 pm in the middle of a train.. Next thing i know.. there are people shouting.. babies screaming.. plates containing food being relayed across the bogie..Even the TT happily decides to join the freaking circus and gorge on the food without checking our tickets first. ASS

Mental state: Signs of a Migraine beginning to kick in

Im already sleepy and cranky..the freaking mental cases from NIMHANS have been let loose..A weird kinda man( im guessing.. a little retarded) started playing THE most deppressing hindi songs on his cellphone at midnight.

Mental State: Full fledged Migraine

I think what most Indains lack is respect for other people's personal space and time

Simple!

Woke up today morning.. all groggy and hung over!!

Highlights of 7th Jan night @ The Beach:

1. free entry for women :) yaay
2. tribal night theme
3. whacko friends
4. broke up a fight that one of the guys in our group picked up with another hammered weirdo
5. funny dancing.. he he ..
6. photographed by the indivibe.com guys (Click http://www.indivibe.com/index-3.html for Photographs)

But prize-winning part was wen i woke up in the morning and saw a message written on my hand by a friend of mine:

U r a damn sweet gal

i dunno when he wrote it... i dont remember..Its really nice when someone does something so sweet and unexpected..

Ur a really sweet guy too anup!! :D Bless you

Awesome morning!!

Blind Spot

I was at dinner with friends when something that a friend of mine voiced as a casual observation about me totally blew me away..

he said and i quote "You attach emotions to everything". All those who know me well will endorse the fact that im not an emotional person..that i will run away from anything that is even remotely emotional in nature..

but little things that i say like..this pizza tastes "funny" .. or.. the cup looks "deppressing"..or..lemon breezer is a "happy" drink..

Although you are quite aware of your actions.. there is a part in your personality that you are not aware of.. that only others see..This area is called the "Blind" area according to psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham.They came up with the JoHari Window concept which is widely used by psychologists for personality mapping awareness.

Its really quite ironic becuse you walk around thinking that you know everything there is to know about yourself.. and then.. WHAM!!! ..someone slaps you and makes you realise that you know as little about yourself as anyone else.. that maybe others understand you better that you!
.. and you thought you knew it all!!;)

P.S: If you think you know something about me that i dont know of.. let me know..

Silent Reverie

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybeI’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

-Sarah McLachlan

Its a depressing song..
The only sounds are the organ piano and a her gothic voice..
but i have never heard anything more beautiful..

Desire Vs Morals

I believe that all people are constitutionally good.. that their foundation is morally sound. but every now and then we face situations when we want something so badly that we ignore all the moral science lessons from school...all that our elders tell us about being righteous and being fair to everyone goes out the window.

Its not that they are bad or have no values.. its just that impulse and desire to get what they want takes over so strongly that one would go to any lengths to go get it. Any means necessary are taken. So does that move made on an impulse brand them as ethically unsound.. unvirtuous??

Who decides what we do as right or wrong? the society? our parents? or school moral science teacher? Our scriptures? or us.. our inner voice? I want to think thats its our inner voice.. but what influences our soul?..this inner voice .. i have been told that a large part of this influence comes from the way we have been brought up..our culture..our surroundings.I agree with what has been told to me so far because i have not heard a more convincing explanation yet. So if you really think about it, its a full circle.

But doesnt that make you wonder why so many people go astray..why the crime rates still continue to increase and why people still cheat and lie?

Generically speaking.. almost all of us are from the same culture..no matter what language we speak or which state we belong to. All parents hope to see their children grow up to be law abiding, ethical citizens of a country. Then where do things go wrong?

The Bible says that if you are righteous and virtuous, then you will go to heaven.. otherwise you will be sent to hell.. Other scriptures speak on similar lines. The Law says that if you abide by the rules, then you can lead a free life .. otherwise you will be sent to jail.. Since most of the population is broadly classified under two categories- The God fearing and the Atheists.. Whatever anyone may chose to be.. the above two statements should ideally deter them from doing anything sinful or illegal. Yet, there are exceptions, the ones who choose to defy all that is right and just, the antisocial elements of society. Where does their inner voice go? Why do they do what they do.. I refuse to believe that they were born bad apples..but how did they become rotten?

What if i do something that does not harm anybody materially, to achieve that which gives me happiness. Does it make me a bad person because for once i put myself before others? Because for once i put preference to my personal good before the common good.. for once i decided not to be a saint? Just because we are expected to be one at all times.. we put up a facade. It makes me feel like i'm cheating everyone more than ever because every cell in me wants something else and i'm doing something that is politically and ethically correct because i'm expected to do so.

So bottom line is.. When i do the right thing, i'm cheating everyone because i'm putting up a facade thereby making me feel guilty. And when i do what my heart desires, everyone else thinks im a cheat thereby making me feel guilty all over again.

The difference in guilt, as i see it, in the two cases is that in the first case, im not being honest with myself or anyone else. In the second case i am being honest about what i really want with myself and with everyone else. End result is the same. Free will has just died.. under moral obligations.

As i understand it, you can never do anything as you please to because at some point or other your decisions affect and influence others. And if there is the slightest possibility that it may cause heartache or loss or even a sneeze.. you have to rollback everything that you planned. Becuase you are a good person.. because you have ethics.. because you cannot break their heart.. But what about "your" heart?