My cold rain

I'm moving out of Bangalore next weekend. For good!

Its the end of my free-spirited, I-live-by-my-own-rules, single life. Even though my life has more direction now, I can't help but feel a sense of loss. Like I'm leaving behind a huge part of my persona that I can never have again. The city grew on me and before I knew it, it got under my skin and into by blood. Of all the cities I have ever lived in my life, I found home here.

"You don't know how good you've got it until its taken away from you." Bam! This now hits me square in the face.

Forgive me for being all melodramatic and sappy. But I think after 5 years of a love affair with this city, it would be unnatural if I wasn't.

Every time I went to Chennai for a weekend or a long holiday with my parents, the minute I stepped foot in Bangalore, I used to breathe a sigh of relief. Not that Chennai was bad; I loved it. But Bangalore was where I felt like myself.

Richmond rd, Autowalla fights, endless drives to Whitefield, my friends-my solid, elation, appreciation, disappointments, Koshy's coffee, Kalmane coffee(however much I hate it), early mornings, high heels, my love-hate relationship with the gym, uncountable weekend getaways, basketball, my crushes (yeah! I'm human!), helplessness, loneliness, self-respect, independence, weekend hikes to Jayanagar, Commercial street shopping, butterflies in wallet, churmuri chat , lost relationships, rekindled friendships, late night McD burgers... every aspect of the human emotion there is.. I have come close to exploring it and loved every second of the experience.

Have you ever taken a road or turned a corner and suddenly your mind wanders to a certain incident that happened right there? Oh wait.. its called nostalgia! I have been experiencing so much of it that, in my mind, I literally have to tackle myself to the ground and slap myself silly so I can shake out of the trance.

I am gripped with panic and a strange sense of numbness. I don't want to let go and yet I want the week to get by faster. Its a good thing I have so much to get done this week. Or I would have been one weeping melting snotty mess. Allowing myself to think of all that I'm leaving behind will only make me spiral into depression. And that's not justice to my last week here. No Sir! It isn't!

After all this.. the sudden and abrupt end to it all.. is like cold rain from gray skies!

Second guessing yourself

Is shaking a trinket really the best way to make a baby stop crying? Is that really a solution to the reason why the baby cried in the first place.
That is probably the random-est thought I have had all day! Truth be told, that thought is hardly random. There is a root.

Most people have a way of writing off things they cant have as things they were never "meant" to have. It wasn't in their destiny! Really? How is that any different from a trinket shoved in a crying baby's face?

I can never be sure that the things I cant have are exactly the things that are best for me. Only, I will never know. Lost opportunities are just that. We accept what life offers as balm for the gaping holes that are the things you cant have.

Times in your life when you question everything, second guess your choices, analyse every last factor that becomes part of a decision making process; and still wonder - What if? Stopping yourself from falling into a spiral of all those unnerving thoughts stuck on repeat is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Maybe its too early for me to realise the wisdom of destiny. Maybe I'll never get it. Maybe I have some sort for chronic anxiety disorder and love torturing myself for no reason. And if that last possibility is my reality, then a trinket is just what I need.

Not knowing is a bitch!

The #$*@ing 2 P's I HATE!

Passages and Probability.

They lie. They deceive. They mislead. They promise you hope until you realise you have been tricked! They are the literary and mathematical equivalents of a really bad boyfriend!

Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! I want to write them on a giant Pie and stomp all over it! And then when I'm done stomping on them, I want to take a broom and whack them in every possible direction. And then when I'm done with that, I want to set the building on fire so there wont be any more of that STUPID shit left! EVER!

I want this to be over! :-/